Exactly one year ago today we conceived our beautiful daughter Abigail. Most people don't know exactly when they conceived their child, but because we used IUI to get pregnant, I have very vivid memories of the day! I thought I would share some journal entries from the day of the IUI and a few days afterward. They're very private entries, and not something I would typically share, but for some reason I'm feeling compelled to do so today...
Friday, May 4, 2012
Our first IUI is today. I'm feeling nervous and excited. I want it to work so badly, and yet I can't put all of my hopes in this because there is always a possibility that it won't work. Dave and I are killing some time at Starbucks right now in between his lab appointment and the actual IUI. I know that I'm not much of a prayer person, but please, God, if you're listening today...we really need you. We want this baby so badly and he/she hasn't even been made yet. We are so ready for our family. I am putting our fate in your hands, and I'm having faith that you will provide for us and do what's best, even if it doesn't make sense to us at the time.
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Something to remember. I'm feeling more spiritual lately, and I know it has to do with going through this whole process of infertility. It hurts and it's lonely and it's tested our marriage in many ways. It's also made us stronger though...it's made me realize how badly I want to be a mother...how confident I am that Dave will be an amazing father. Part of going through this process is realizing that growing up in an unstable family without a father has just made me that much more determined to have a family that is the opposite of what I experienced growing up. Please, God, please let us start our family...
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
5 days past IUI today. I'm feeling SO emotional. I'm sitting here torturing myself watching A Baby Story and hoping that it will be my turn soon. Last week Dave told me that he got teary looking at pictures of our friends' baby. It made me realize that Dave wants this just as much as I do, he just shows it in a different way.
Friday, May 11, 2012
7 days past IUI. Another Facebook friend announced last night that she's pregnant. I broke down crying and had a good pity party. Dave was amazing and just sat and held me as I cried and listened to my "it's not fair" rant. I know that I just have to have faith that it will all work out. Everything happens for a reason and it will all happen the way that it's supposed to in the end...right? I never, ever thought that the road to becoming parents would be paved with so much grief and heartache. That month after month I would feel like a failure...like a broken woman. I feel so bad for Dave too, who has to sit by knowing that there's nothing he can to do make things any better because it's ME who's the broken one. I just want our child to be in our arms. I want to sit up in the nursery and rock him or her to sleep. I want to be the one to announce on FB that we are finally expecting our first child. I just want it to be our turn SO badly. My heart hurts, and my face is tear stained, and sometimes I feel like these past 14 months have been nothing but a bookmark in this chapter in our lives. We live in such limbo...waiting month to month and hoping for something that has yet to come. This Sunday will be the second Mother's Day since we started this TTC journey. Two Mother's Days and I'm still not a mother. Please, God, if you're listening...please bring a baby to us.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Omg, omg, omg! WE'RE PREGNANT!!! I was honestly starting to doubt that this day would ever come! I go back for another blood test on Friday to check my hcg level. It was a 26 today, which is a little low but it's also super early. I can't believe it!!
Reading these journal entries still makes me cry. Remembering how much my heart hurt when friends announced their pregnancies is still fresh in my mind. I felt so torn, wanting to be happy for them and yet being so angry that we couldn't get pregnant. The day of our last consult with our fertility doctor, we went to visit friends in the hospital who'd just had their first baby. We were running out of options and were given the choice of me having a laparoscopy or trying an IUI before moving on to IVF, and my doctor was strongly pushing for the surgery. I remember holding their beautiful baby in my arms and being in complete and total awe that they had MADE her. It felt like we might never get to experience holding our own newborn baby. And yet here we are, a year later, and I get to hold our amazing daughter every day. When she smiles at me, it melts my heart! Being a mom is honestly the very best gift I've ever been given - she's our little miracle baby! The day of the IUI last year, Dave and I were in the room at the fertility clinic waiting for the procedure to start and I felt SO awkward. I even said out loud, "This isn't quite how I imagined we would start our family!" The sweet nurse just smiled, told us to look into each other's eyes, and said, "Let's make a baby!"
And we did :)