Sunday, August 25, 2013

The Loneliest Days (Years?)

I think I can honestly say that the past year and a half that I've spent being pregnant and now a stay at home mom have been the loneliest of my life. I knew it was coming...I thought I was prepared. Being a breastfeeding mother to an infant is a 24 hour job. There's no such thing as "sick days" or PTO. Even the days that we have spent away from Abigail I have spent chained to my pump. And I honestly wouldn't trade it for anything in the world because I LOVE being a mother, and I especially love that I get to stay home with her every day. That being said though...sometimes I miss my old life. I miss the old me. I miss the days of cocktails on a patio at noon just because, and staying out dancing with friends until 3am. I miss actually having girlfriends. I feel so disconnected from so many of my friends lately. It's hard to be a SAHM when none of your close friends are too. No one else gets it, how long the days are sometimes. How I feel chained to the house except for the three hours between naps when we get out to run errands or what not. Even with my friends that are moms, there's a sense of disconnect there. A constant comparison of baby to baby. "Mommy Wars", as I've heard it referred to on the Internet. Then I worry that because we're not doing things the way so-and-so did we are somehow doing it wrong and messing up our kid forever. I'm guessing those feelings never go away. I'm guessing that in the years to come the lonliness and isolation might get even worse for a little while, since we plan to have another baby soon. Then I see my sister, and friends with older children, and I am reminded that life isn't always like this. They're only little babies for such an incredibly short amount of time in the grand scheme of things. Life changes every day, and every year. I'm hoping that as Abigail gets older and we add another little one to the mix, it will get easier for me to meet other moms in town and make some new friends. Why is it that it seems to get harder to make new friends the older we get? Or maybe it's just the stage of life I'm in right now, where everyone is getting married and having babies, and fostering friendships is difficult with so much already on our plates. There are some days when I have to remind myself how lucky I am, and that I am making the choice to be a SAHM, and that I have a great husband and a really wonderful life. It's so easy to let myself feel down and overwhelmed, when I should be feeling happy and grateful for the roof over my head and the love in our home and the sweet baby girl we are so lucky to have. She makes every day so special. 

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