Saturday, July 21, 2012

Thoughts about TTC

I know that I'm a day late on my 13 week picture post, but I have some other thoughts to share today. Picture post should be up tomorrow!

When we were trying to get pregnant, every month seemed like an eternity. In reality, we only had to try for 14 months...which in the grand scheme of things isn't really that long. At the time, though, I felt so defeated. I started to think that we would never get pregnant without IVF. We were really, really lucky in a sense because my doctor didn't make us try on our own for the traditional year before getting help. When I was about 20, I was diagnosed with chronic anovulation, which means I don't ovulate. My doctor at the time told me that I would probably never have children. I remember being so devastated by that news, even though the thought of having children wasn't even remotely on my radar at the time. When my husband and I were ready to try to conceive, we sought help right away and ultimately entered into a vicious cycle of hope and grief. I lived every single cycle in two week increments, waiting to ovulate (with medication), and then wishing and hoping I might be pregnant, before the evil witch would finally show her face....usually days or even a week late. I cried more tears in some of those months than I've ever cried in my life. I just wished so badly that I could be normal and get pregnant like a regular person. Thankfully, I had a lot of support. My mom listened to me cry more times than I could ever count and never once had a single negative thing to say. Our tailgate parties turned into early morning conversations about fertility drugs and ovulation and timed intercourse, and my girlfriends (and some of the guys!) never complained. They listened with kindness and reassured me that it would happen for us. Other friends from different facets of my life reached out to me because they, too, were struggling with infertility. Those were probably some of the most special connections because they really did know what I was feeling. My husband, especially, was my absolute rock. He held me while I cried, he let me go through the extreme range of emotions I experienced every time we found out that friends were expecting. He never once doubted that we would have a child someday, no matter how that happened. I was the negative one. I doubted every month that we could ever get pregnant. I hated myself sometimes for the extreme jealousy I felt towards friends who got pregnant so easily. Most of all I hated how weak I felt...what a failure of a wife I felt like for not being able to give my husband a child. When couples struggle with infertility, they're encouraged not to place blame on each other. I know that my husband never ever blamed me, but I blamed myself because I WAS the reason that we couldn't get pregnant. My body didn't work the way it was supposed to. Some days I wondered if God was trying to tell us that we weren't meant to have a child. The phrase "It will happen in God's time" is still one that I don't really understand. It seems to imply that God thinks some people are more worthy of being parents than others. That just doesn't sound right to me. Then again, faith in God is a powerful thing, and I know that we had a lot of people praying for maybe there really is something to it after all.

When we actually did conceive, I was shocked. Even my fertility specialist didn't think that the IUI would I didn't put a lot of faith into the process. I think some days I still don't even believe it because I can't feel the baby yet. I'm also a little scared, because this thing that we wanted so badly to happen finally did, and now our lives are going to change drastically in every way. That's a scary thought! I'm so incredibly excited though too. I daydream about what our baby will look like...what his or her personality will be like...what kind of kid he or she will be. I want so badly for our child to have the best of both of love of singing and reading, my ability to make friends with just about everyone. Dave's sarcasm and wit, his intelligence, his steadfast kindness. Some days I feel guilty too, for getting pregnant and staying pregnant when friends of ours haven't yet, or won't ever be able to. Those are hard days, because while I'm so incredibly happy for us, my heart hurts for the couples that we know who want and deserve children so badly and don't have any yet. One thing that this whole journey has taught me is that life truly isn't fair. I'm just so thankful everyday for this little life growing inside of me, for my amazing husband who I love more each and every day, for the health of our friends and family, and for our home and the stability it will provide to our future family. Life isn't always fair, but it's times like this that I remember to count it all joy.

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